Over the past thirty years, I have been working as a psychotherapist. It's been a rich, compelling and often thrilling career. While I've always had a general practice, for the past couple of decades I've become increasingly involved in working with people with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. In addition, I've been drawn to family members who are often wrestling with their roles as caregivers. And when at times, the person with cancer doesn't survive, I have continued meeting with grieving family members.

The work has been wonderful and difficult, joyful and painful. I currently facilitate four groups-- one for gynecological cancer, two for caregivers and one for grieving spouses. I also am the therapist/workshop facilitator at two retreat centers for women with ovarian cancer, one in Maine and one in Montana.

Lately, I've been thinking so much about the interconnectedness in my work-- the ways in which it's impossible to think of the person who is ill without thinking about the worried family members who are caring for that person. The idea for this blog came out of a kind of recognition that it would be helpful if we could all interact--therapist, caregiver, cancer survivor, grieving family member. My hope would be to explore a new theme each month, to hopefully offer some suggestions, and to get your feedback and advice on how you have managed.

Over the past few years, I've come up with a concept (one I'm sure isn't original) called a "toolbox." This toolbox is a set of strategies we've tried over the years to help us get through difficult times. They're strategies that help us manage our emotions. Sometimes when we're really struggling, we forget some of the tried and true things that worked for us in the past. When we are anxious and afraid, overwhelmed with choices or despairing due to lack of choices, we need to remember what helped us in the past.

Recently, I had a conversation with Lou Ann, a lovely woman with ovarian cancer. We discussed her feeling that life is narrowing in on her, that sometimes her struggle feels like more than she can bear. We talked about the toolbox and she came up with the following list. I was so impressed by this list, by her deep motivation to find something that would work for her. I was also impressed by her beautiful writing. I know it will be useful to some of you.

I'm eager for your participation and your feedback. Let's stay connected. My next entry will be about legacy, about how we remember one another and how we wish to be remembered.

I send you all healing thoughts.

Warmly,

Vivien

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Here it is!

Misery Tools - how to encourage myself when I'm feeling physically or emotionally down:

  • Read things that remind me of good things in my past and future - Yvonne's e-mails, facebook posts, Maya Angelou, family stories
  • Read an inspiring story where the hero or heroine overcomes great odds
  • Read "life learnings" documented by people that lived long lives
  • Talk with or chat with a friend
  • Look at pictures that remind me of good things/times - Oregon coast pictures and Pacific Northwest video, Arizona trip adventures, Camp pix, Sailing on the Catnap, Farm pictures, At the Beach DVD
  • Watch an old movie with an easy to follow plot, a nature program or a history program
  • Shut off all "man-made" sound, cover my head/eyes and screen out "data" input.
  • Breathe deeply - Use 4 count breath - rectangular, pausing 2 seconds each end.
  • Elevate my feet
  • Use yoga socks (like wetsuits) for feet to warm feet
  • Place a fan so that it blows directly in my face which seems to ease breathing
  • Take nausea meds before nausea gets ahead of me and pain meds before I really need them
  • Drink: hot tea with honey, ginger ale, cranberry juice, Gatorade, Carnation Instant Breakfast
  • Eat: Popsicles (mouth sores), applesauce, toast with butter, salted baked potatoes, avocados, mandarin oranges, fresh berries or tomatoes, almonds, chocolate, grilled cheese
  • Take a soaking bath with candles and wonderful aromas
  • Ask Dave or Cody to rub my back, legs, feet or head
  • Sit outside in nature, or lay in the hammock
  • Use a really warm, soft blanket to snuggle up with a soft pillow and nap
  • Play CD of ocean waves and seaside sounds
  • Listen to men's choir music or barbershop quartet songs
  • Imagine myself in a serene place - floating on the waves at the beach, drinking a rum runner in the Keyes, sailing on the Catnap, laying on a warm stone in Arizona, walking along an Oregon beach with whales and harbor seals, strolling through an ancient forest, observing the Grand Canyon, rafting the Snake River, standing at the top of the butte in Gold Creek, etc.
  • Put a cool pack over my head to ease a headache
  • Walk barefoot in sand or soft grass
  • Soak my feet
  • Do yoga stretches
  • Do a skin scrub and moisturizing
  • Work a simple Sudoku puzzle or play "colored lines" online
  • Watch a travel show, imagine myself there with a friend or family member
  • Play some favorite music
  • Take a virtual tour of a museum or city online
  • View online pictures of art, inspirational posters or quotes, etc.
  • Sit in my zero gravity chair and use progressive muscle relaxation techniques
  • Make a list of my life accomplishments, then pick the next item off my bucket list and plan how to accomplish it
  • Sit on the porch and watch the rabbits, birds and squirrels, snowfall, rainfall or just people passing
  • Listen to wind chimes, frogs around a pond, crickets in the woods, rain hitting the roof, the roll of thunder and crash of lightening, a far away train whistle, wind in the trees, loons over the lake or geese taking flight
  • Get a hair wash and cut
  • Read a children's novel
  • Play with Play-doh (smells good too)
  • Spend extra time snuggling with Toby, giving him tiny doggie treats, and telling him secrets =)
  • Make a list of things I have learned from strong female friends
  • Send one of the kids a "proud mom" note
  • Write out a card and send it to someone I love, just because
  • Make something for Camp Mak-a-Dream giveaway
  • Arrange a session with Vivien
  • Call a friend
  • Smell nature - fallen leaves, freshly mowed grass, flowers blooming, fresh rain on earth, pine needles on the forest floor, seaweed and salt, etc. breathe deeply
  • Sit in a hot tub and breathe in the steam
  • Go to the saltwater pool and float
  • Sip extra rich hot chocolate with marshmallows
  • Grind fresh coffee and indulge
  • Google beautiful images of nature and be amazed
  • Go stargazing or virtually stargazing online